Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Go Ahead, Read My Blog!

Friend: "I read your blog."
My thoughts: "You did what? WHY? Why would you of all people read my blog? That's random."
My actual response: "Oh?"
Friend: "You told me about it the other day."
Me: "Did I?"
My thoughts: "I think I did...I kind of remember doing that...but I didn't think you'd actually read it."
Friend: "Yeah, we were talking about writing..."
Me: "Yeah, I think I remember."


At the end of this conversation, I felt vulnerable. Someone read my blog. I mean, I've known others who have read my blog and commented on it. But, they were either random people or close friends who I knew loved me. This was someone I had met maybe a month before. Someone to whom I told a story that I hadn't told many people before. I hardly knew this new friend, but was getting to; I already felt vulnerable. Will this friend use that information to harm me? While I don't share everything on this blog, I kind of put my heart on the line when I post.

I realized that I wasn't excited...I was frightened. I was flustered. I got choked up. I hope I didn't show it! People have blogs for a lot of reasons - to tell stories, to share fiction that they've written, to talk about various topics of interest, the news, etc. The purpose of my blog is to kind of share my heart about where I'm at in life. It's random. It may be funny. It might be sad. But it's how I feel and a little part of my heart goes out to be judged by the world. Will I be a bad writer? Will people hate what I have to say? What if this person knows too much about me? Will they take advantage of me? Do they think they know everything about me because they've read this little piece of my life?

I didn't think I'd react that way, but I think it reflects everyone's struggle (even those not fought in a virtual world), though I'll speak for myself: Acceptance. If I do X, Y & Z, will I be accepted? Will people care? What if I say something the wrong way? Will I be shunned? Will one thing change everything? What if I make a mistake? If I forget something important, will they still want me in their lives? Who will care about my mess when they have their own stuff to deal with? Will I be too much for them to handle? Regardless of what your question is, there is likely a part of you that wonders if you will be accepted, hoping that you will be enough.

See, the truth is that I am enough. I was enough before my friend decided to read my blog. I was enough when I wondered how this friend reacted to what I wrote about. I am enough when someone has to remind me of an important detail in their life that I can't believe I've forgotten. I am enough when I'm crying because I feel alone or when I'm extra-sensitive about something nobody else seems to understand. When I am weak; when I am strong. When I have the right things to say and when my mind goes blank. When I sing the wrong notes, I am enough. I am enough when I realize my life is not where I thought it would be at my age.

There's nothing that can take that away from me. 2009 wasn't my favorite year. It was kind of characterized by grief - loss of life, loss of friendships (and friendships the way they were), etc. But one thing I learned through that very rough point in my life was that I am worthy. I am worthy of love and admiration. I just have to be who God created me, a human being. I used to think I had to do everything and do it perfectly to be desired in any way. I realized that it's not what I do, but who I am that matters. I am a woman created in the very image of God.

That is enough. It's more than enough. I am enough.