A Smattering of Thoughts

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T23:20:00.003-05:00

As I was in church today, I just needed to get my thoughts out and here's what came out. I really do pray that everybody had a wonderful Christmas Day! I am grateful for Jesus coming and for the hope we have in Him. Merry, merry Christmas!!

"Love.

Red.

Heart.

Blood red.

Pierced heart.

Blood stained wood.

Blood.

Running down His brow.

Brokenness.

Made complete.

His sacrifice.

Perfection.

Finished.

New righteousness.

Washing.

Blood red.

Cleansing red stains turned white.

Pure.

Cleansed.

Red.

Heart.

Made alive.

True love.

Complete.

Shalom.

Wholeness.

Blood.

Red.

Love.

No fear.

Complete love."

For All My Ladies!!! (If you're man, just walk away . . .)

2011-07-15T15:08:00.005-04:00

Most people who know me probably know that while I'm not the most girly person you will ever meet, I love women and being a woman. They also know that I like to talk about womanly things - not just shoe shopping and weddings - our cycles, hormones, moodiness, femininity, how our daddy issues are affecting our current relationships. It probably gets old to some people, but I think we find freedom in talking about things that have affected our lives.

Today I want to focus on one that most people probably aren't running around talking about - our cycle. Before you facepalm, hear me out! I'll try not to get too graphic while sharing about two things that have changed my life!

The first is a book. One I think every woman should read. It's called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." It's not just a book for those crazy people who are all granola and hippie. It's a book to help you understand what's going on in your body. And as women, there's a lot of changes that happen over a given month. Do you know what's happening in your body? The book gives you a very direct picture of what happens. Like every book, it has its own agenda, but it's good to read it and make your own decisions. I started reading it because my cycle would last three or four months at at time. I realized that I could chart my cycle and figure out what was going wrong.

It led me to start charting. This means I take my temperature every day to see where I am in my cycle. I use My Fertility Charts to keep track of my symptoms, which means I typically know exactly where I am and what's happening next. And what they say is true: knowledge is power. While I used to be pulled to and fro by my emotions and my hormones, understanding where I'm at has changed my entire perspective.

Another benefit: I've never wanted to go on birth control. I just have never been comfortable with what I know of the different forms of it; and I'd rather not have hormones control my hormones if I don't need to. Knowing where I am in my cycle really will negate the need for that when I am married. And that makes me very happy. Plus, I don't want to go on the pill just because that's what people do. I'm not knocking other people's choice to take the pill, but I believe that knowledge is power. In today's world, it is wise to know all your options so you can make the right decisions for YOU!

Learning what is going on in your body is something that you will never regret!

The second is called the "Diva Cup." Not a book, but something equally life changing. It's a menstrual cup. It's very different than the pads and tampons that we're used to as women. And to be honest, it's so much better. It's a little silicone cup that you insert and it rests at the base of your vagina. Your flow collects in the cup, which at the end of 12 hours you dump out, rinse out, and put back in. I haven't had any problems with it leaking which makes me feel like a real person. I work out, go swimming, sit down or walk around. I doo whatever I want! I used to feel gross and like not doing anything when I was on my period before. And now I feel the freedom to be me.

Before you get too grossed out, here are some benefits:

* No leakage, which leaves you feeling clean your entire cycle

* No headaches, stomach aches, and all the other stuff that wearing tampons tends to produce

* Less waste - not having to worry about where to throw away your stuff if you can't flush thick paper waste or find a trash can (not to mention no worries about putting bleached cotton in your body)

* You just put it in and forget about it, you'll learn when it's time to reload

* Less money spent on products

* There's a community of people who are there to support you and give you tips when you have questions

Just go to the website and check it out. Read what other people have to say about it. Watch videos about it. It might sound weird, but don't just blow it off! It has changed my life.

I hope you take some time and check these things out! And feel free to ask me any questions about either thing. :-) I love talking about these things - just ask my small group from church. :-D I have much love for you and hope these things will help you walk in more freedom!

Scripture Memory Verse 2

2011-01-15T09:40:00.003-05:00

I have decided to memorize scripture with a lot of other ladies around the world through the Living Proof Ministry blog. This week, I picked Psalm 84 in the NIV. It's longer than she usually recommends, but I felt really led to memorize this chapter. I might decide to memorize a short verse and a Psalm off and on throughout the year. Not sure yet.

If you were at or listened to the message Beth Moore spoke at the Passion 2011 conference, you might remember her talking about the capacity of the mind and encouraging young people to memorize chapters, if not entire books, of the Bible. I can do this!

#1 "You shall not make [gods to share] with Me [My glory and your worship]; gods of silver or gods of gold you shall not make for yourselves." - Exodus 20:23, AMP

#2 "1 How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty. 2 My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. 3 Even the sparrow has found a home and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young - a place near your alter, Oh Lord Almighty, my King and my God. 4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. (Selah) 5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. 6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains cover it with pools. (Selah) 7 They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion." - Psalm 84:1-7, NIV

That's what I have memorized so far! I hope it's all right. hehe. It's not too late to join in! Memorizing the Bible isn't something that only the "super spiritual" do. The Word is powerful and transforming. I shall get off my soapbox, for I need to get out of here. I hope everyone is doing well!

You Know You Should Give Something Up When . . .

2011-01-06T19:51:00.002-05:00

I decided a few days ago that starting Friday, I'd be on a partial media fast. I'll probably have to use computers and email at work in the next two weeks, so that's why it's partial. But during that time, no wasting my time on Twitter, Facebook, watching TV or movies. I'll Tivo it and if I really find it important later, I'll deal with it then.

My first Scripture to memorize this year was Exodus 20:23, "You shall not make [gods to share] with Me [My glory and your worship]; gods of silver or gods of gold you shall not make for yourselves." (That's the Amplified version if you'd like to look it up.) That's the whole, "don't make idols to contend with me because I'm the man" verse.

They say you can tell something is an idol when it gets taken away from you. And, even today all I thought about in my extra moments was, "I need to be on Twitter because I'm not gonna have it for two weeks." Well, that's how you know that you have a problem. The thing is, I don't want Facebook or Twitter to be an idol that someone has made for me, or one that I have built out of people I enjoy hearing from. It can't become more important than God Himself. . .

Those aren't bad things, but they have been too much lately. And this is a time of so much newness for me, that I don't need to be distracted by anything. Not even good things.

So, with that, I'll see you soon. Much love!

Does Your Life Make Sense in Light of the Gospel?

2011-01-02T23:04:00.005-05:00

I have been watching the Passion Conference online because I can't make it out there for it. Every sermon has been convicting or confirming...whichever I needed at the time. But only one question has gone right down into the soul of the matter. My soul. It's a question based on Philippians 1:27 that I hate that Francis Chan decided to ask: Does your life make sense in light of the Gospel?

Maybe it was the stories he told about people in the underground church who had to run from gunshots because they were Christ followers. Or the fact that when he told them of how people in America will switch churches because they don't like the songs, they laughed. No, he wasn't joking, but what a mockery we've made of ourselves. So, maybe you can see how that question was so significant...maybe not.

But for me . . .

It might be the most significant question that I've ever been asked. It's frustrating and convicting and everything it should be.

It's session three. Check it out at live.passion2011.com. It's only up for about 24 hours. Get it while it lasts!

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T11:05:00.004-05:00

Well, a new year brings new goals, new resolutions and attempts (though usually failed) at life changes. I usually do goals instead of resolutions because I'm pretty goal oriented. Usually I choose too many and only do one or two (out of the 7 I might try). This year, I'm not doing all that. Mostly because I have come to recognize how futile my personal attempts at changing myself are. That's God's job.

There are a few things that I am doing though.

The ladies over at Living Proof Ministries memorizes 24 verses in a year. That's two a month. That's very doable and there's added accountability because like, tons of women are doing it (and I follow some of them on Twitter). The best part is that everybody chooses their own verse to memorize. Whatever God is speaking in our own individual lives, that's what we memorize. I'm looking forward to this! My first verse is Exodus 20:23 in the Amplified Bible: You shall not make [gods to share] with Me [My glory and your worship]; gods of silver or gods of gold you shall not make for yourselves.

I am interested in home improvement. Anyone who knows me would probably be confused by this statement, but I'm really interested in refinishing a piece of furniture I have. It might not happen on my own, but I have decided to sign up for Home Depot's Home Improver Club workshops. I don't have school anymore so I have a little extra free time. i think that learning how to do practical things in the home will be time well spent. I am really excited about this. :-)

I need to do something cultural, though. Last year, I saw at least one show a month (and in October I saw a few plays and a few concerts). Maybe the theme of this year will be museums? Well, I'll think through that later. :-)

I hope that everybody had a fantastic time bringing in the New Year!

Happy New Year, y'all!

One is the Loneliest Number

2010-12-29T20:33:00.003-05:00

One. Lonely. Uno. Solo. Solitary. Sad. Alone. Unlovable.

Most of the time, I'm content in my singleness. I can be content because I know that God has somebody for me that will love me like Christ loves the church; someone who I will respect and who I can build a live with. Yeah, there's a promise and I can trust in God for it. But there's one specific time when I can't help but hate being single with everything inside of me.

And that's when I'm moving. I never feel lonelier than that. There's not necessarily someone there to help me pack or carry heavy stuff. It's just me when deciding what to take over first; I'm left to my own devices to figure out how in the world to put together the furniture I've just bought. My mom would probably tell you that I've always been the independent type, that's true. But doing this alone is difficult. I'm not saying that it's hard because I need somebody to carry heavy things for me. I can do it myself. There's just something about having someone to complain to, to be frustrated with...someone who is going through the same thing. Or at least the idea of it sounds wonderful...

And then I remember the power of One. Christ. It only took one man to come and reconcile us to God. I remember embarking on the journey that brought me to Orlando two and a half years ago. I remember how all that mattered was that Christ was leading me; there was so much excitement and wonder.

This memory doesn't make packing and moving any easier, but it gives me a little more peace. It makes me smile to remember that me and God embarked on this journey a little while ago and He still leads the way as we step into this new season of life. Being single doesn't automatically make me lonely, sad, or unlovable. When I marry, my name will change, but my identity will still be one who is redeemed by Christ. I will still be His righteousness.

So, as I pack and move down the street, I remember that I have strength through God to make it through this transition. And one isn't really the loneliest number because God's right here with me. :-)

Isaiah 26:3 "Lord, You will keep him in perfect peace, he whose mind is stayed on God." - JDV (the Jessica Dickson Version)

A New Year, a New Season

2010-12-28T17:46:00.011-05:00

One reason that I love to start the new year out at church is because I love to think about God will do in the upcoming year so we can dream big dreams about what is to come. I don't like to put God in a box, but for years, He has given me a specific verse that would come to define the theme of my year. New Year's Eve 2009, I didn't feel like He was saying anything particular about 2010, though I was absolutely certain it would be better than 2009. I think that God didn't give me a verse because He wanted to surprise me. I think He's one of the best gift-givers I know.

The theme of my 2010 has been redemption. I have heard redemption defined as the buying back of something that has been lost or stolen. I think it's pretty cool when God redeems even the things we don't even realize were gone. Things such as:

* ideas about marriage and love - I didn't realize how much my parent's relationship colored my

thoughts that people could actually love each other. I'm sure my parent's loved each other in some way. I just developed the belief (not realizing it) that arguing meant that someone was going to leave. Having married friends and living with married folk has certainly helped me see that it is possible to have a successful marriage! And, new friends have shown me mercy that I believe has been straight from God to my heart. Amazing. Now, I am more excited, than afraid, for whatever God will do!

* the fact that people care for me even if I don't make the right decisions all the time. I didn't think anyone would want to be in my life if I was blatantly imperfect. That led me to believe that whenever I made a mistake, that made me unlovable. No so! I am thankful for my counselor who helped me see through the lies I was believing. I am at a place where I can make a mistake and not think the world will implode. It's a much healthier place to be.

* other things that I need some time before I talk about them. They're too fresh, too new, and too personal to share on just a blog. Someday . . .

Until Then

Here are some of my favorite memories from 2010!

* I got baptized in October. It was one of the most amazing days of my life . . . so far, at least. I got baptized when I was little, but it was long before I knew what it was a to have a very personal relationship with the Lord. The day was filled with people I love and who care about me. I felt like it was a great way to celebrate the fact that God has made me new.

The picture is me going down into the water. Yes, I smiled and laughed even then. I was so filled with joy. I couldn't help it! Before I got baptized, I was nervous that I would get dropped and flail around helplessly in the water. I got up there and said, "I'm nervous that..." and before I could even finish, Isaac responded, "We got you." I was immediately set at ease. I felt safe and fabulous. I had a triumphant rise from the water and started to dance the moment I got up. haha. Victory! Cleanliness! Freedom. First breath, again. Newness in Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says that if anyone is in Christ, that person is a new creation. The old has gone and the new has come. I wanted to be baptized because I wanted to say to the world that I'm free.

(When I told my dad that Dwight Howard got baptized there too, he wrote: "Newsflash in Heaven: Superman and Wonder Woman baptized!" :-D I will always remember that. I know how much he loves sports figures.)

* I received my Master of Arts in Counselor Education: School Counseling. That means that I have a degree in Counseling with certification to be a School Counselor. I was blessed enough to celebrate this day with the Rannebargers, my parents, Allison, Megan, and Kim. It was a rainy day, but those are usually the best days to be together because you're forced to be inside and to be together. It was a beautiful day, despite getting soaked; it was also the culmination of what I've been working on for the past two and a half years here in Orlando. That day would have been fraught with anxiety had I not already known what my next step was. I didn't have to worry, though, because . . .

* I got a job as a high school counselor. I am very excited to start my career here in Central Florida. I felt like God was calling me to stay in Orlando this summer, though I wasn't very happy about it. Before this year, I wasn't too keen on staying in Florida very long. God softened my heart and opened the doors for me to work at a school down here that has an atmosphere that makes me want to hum. I am so excited to start!

* I did a photo shoot with KT Crabb! It was such a fun time. I got to dress up and trapse through the grass in my 3 and a half inch Jessica Simpson pumps.

* My new friends Ryan and Lindsay got married in Baltimore in November. I spent some time with my bestie, Kelly Clark(son), where we saw one of the worst plays known to man, watched the Sound of Music, and were just happily together again. Then I went to camp for the wedding weekend extravaganza. It was so much fun spending a weekend with everybody. There's something magical about all being together and getting to know one another that makes the celebrating that much more intense and fun. Also, usually the bridal party are the only ones who get to interact intimately with the bride and groom, but we all got to spend precious moments with them. Another wedding I got to experience this summer was Lisa and Carey's. They are the most adorable couple you'll ever meet; I'm not sure I've actually ever seen two people as in love as they are. I cried through their entire ceremony (though I have to credit myself for this: I DID NOT ugly cry. That would have been a shame). They wrote their vows to each other. It was beautiful!

* I got to spend time with Kim when she drove back with me from Michigan. She had just gotten back from the World Race and I got to hear all about her trip. It was fantastic to spend so much time with her and to see how she had grown as a woman who wants to know God in all of the fullness that He has planned out for her. And over the year, that has grown even more. It's

beautiful!

* Hearing that Blondie is PREGNANT!! She's my first best friend who is pregnant and I'm really

excited to see the little girl!!! She's gonna be a cutie. I'm just glad I can tell people now because the suspense was killing me!

* I turned 25. I was one of those weird people who was super excited to turn 25. I like getting older, mostly because I like memories. You only get memories when you live! I like saying, "Remember when that was . . ." when driving down the road. Or looking back at my journals and praising God for how far He has brought me. hehe. I digress . . . this year, I got a tattoo for my birthday! Happy birthday to me! It's around my wrist area and is my name in Hebrew. A few years ago, God showed me that my name was my character and it was very significant to me. Having the tattoo helps remind me, when I'm frustrated or things are going wrong, who God has called and created me to be. And no, that's not determined by my circumstances. I wear it proudly.

I am excited in the promise from these memories. 2011 is coming, and its open brings a new season for many of us.

New marriages.

New life.

Rebirth.

New career.

A path I didn't quite expect.

Healing.

Redemption.

Renovation.

What has the theme of your year been? What can you look forward to in 2011? I'd love to hear about it in the comments, an email, or even if you want to link to your blog, that would be great!

Autumn, How I Miss Thee!

2010-09-10T17:27:00.007-04:00

"Walking home from work, I inhaled the crisp Fall air and immediately a familiar smell entered my nostrils - freshly fallen Autumn leaves. The scent left my nose longing for more. I wasn't satisfied. I took another deep breath. I closed my eyes and was instantly comforted. I know it sounds silly, but there's something about that time of the year. Autumn is my favorite season. I love all the special things it brings. The weather cools to just the right temperature - you can wear flip flops and a sweatshirt for the perfect outfit; it is the perfect weather to walk arm in arm with a loved one and not overheat. There are unique joys: to twirl with my arms open under a tree as cascades of leaves fall around me like a fountain, to walk down the street chasing after crispy leaves that are being blown by a cool breeze just to crunch them under my feet, to take beautiful pictures of the transformation of the earth as it prepares for a cold winter, to enjoy the smells of a summer's past and behold the future. For most of my life, Autumn has signaled the start of the school year - a time of new beginnings and of learning.

But growing up, school wasn’t always as beautiful as the Fall. I was glad that I was smart, but being smart was not my primary desire. I wanted to be the beautiful girl who was popular, who all the boys liked, who could get all the other girls do to anything at the drop of a hat because they wanted to be like her. My childhood didn’t exactly happen like that, though. I grew up the gullible girl who people took advantage of for laughs. I found myself doing whatever I could to fit in and stay close to the people everyone thought was cool. I rejected people who felt as lonely as I did to avoid the sting of rejection they knew. During middle school I was made fun of almost every day for one thing or another – my weight, my hair, my clothes, the way that I spoke – any imperfection kids could find. I found myself feeling useless, hideous, and worthless. Suicide was an abiding thought that seemed better than whatever I was going through – better than the loneliness and the pain. Like many teenagers, I thought my life meant nothing. And it seemed there was nothing there to prove me wrong.

That is, until high school. My freshman year, I ate lunch with a girl everyday because we would otherwise both sit alone. We got to know each other pretty well and after two years of inviting me to church, I finally went with her. It was there that I met someone who changed my life – my youth pastor. He told me that I was beautiful and special and loved. He gave me hope. He affirmed my worth whenever he had the chance. This adult, who knew little about me, took the time to show me that I meant something to this world, that my life was significant, and that I was made to do something great."

These are the opening paragraphs of the essay I used to get into graduate school. It's funny that as I end my stay at UCF, I was reminded of these words I wrote. Mostly because I miss Autumn. It happens to be my favorite season (thank you very much). I'll take it over the brazen heat of Summer and the penetrating chill of Winter. Though I have grown to really enjoy living in Florida, this is one thing I miss dearly. Bonfires and hay rides and corn mazes; hot cider with powdered donuts and pumpkin carving. * sigh * There is certainly something special about that time.

Here I am, in an Autumn three years after I wrote this essay. I'm in my internship at a high school and I have an amazing opportunity to live out the love that I've been freely given. It's been given by family who, as they sought the heart of God, gave me what I needed even when I didn't desire it. It's been given freely by my old therapist, who cared about me even when I didn't believe people would love me if I didn't give them what I thought they needed. It's been given by my friends who have been there for me even when I have felt like I was too crazy to love. Ultimately, it's been given to me by a God whose name is Love. A God who created me and loves me for all of who I am, not just when I'm doing well. It is this love that draws my heart to love others. How can I not love others and give grace that was so freely given?

I don't get to experience the Fall I wrote about three years ago in its fullness where I am right now, but I am very aware of the truth in these lyrics: "All of my life, in every season You are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship!" In a place where it can be hot until December, and I always say the seasons are "hot" and "very hot," I am grateful to have experienced such differing seasons in the past. I know that no matter how long I might feel in the dark, Winter will someday end and hope comes in Spring rains. I know that even when Summer heat stretches until October, I will soon feel a cool wind and be able to chase leaves down the street joyfully. Seasons will change, but God's love is the kind that transforms people and seasons. It's the kind that will continue on forever.

Random Thoughts!!

2010-08-30T15:11:00.004-04:00

I am alive and in good health. I am deeply loved by the Creator and Savior of the world. I'm not sure what else matters, but here's what's on my mind! Enjoy!

a. Riding home with all my windows down and sunroof open is the best way to end the day.

b. I love my internship site. My site supervisor tells a lot of stories. I love listening to people and feel honored when someone shares their life with me.

c. I'm learning students' names. I like that.

d. I think I took John, Fred, Ryan, and Robbie for granted at the House Off Rouse. I miss being able to go over there anytime and chilling. I think it's because I feel really safe with them. Sorry guys. I miss you!

e. Things haven't gone the way I hoped they would with something recently. I'm not disappointed because my hope is in Christ, not my circumstances. I'm actually even more excited because He'll do more that I can even imagine or dream of!

f. I am in dire need of Wicked the Musical. I might go for a walk with my iPod and belt the entire soundtrack. (Sorry, neighborhood!) This is if it's not too hot.

g. I also would love to watch High School Musical 3 with Kelly. I miss my bffl.

h. I am in dire need of a girls night!

i. I'd like to purchase a pair of sparkly black pumps. It's kind of a dream right now. I'm working on it.

j. The music at Summit Waterford and Summit Herndon was good yesterday. Yeah, I went to the 11 am at Waterford and the 6 pm at Herndon. I was happy!

k. I think the song "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North sounds like the Newsboys.

l. Scarface is a REALLY boring movie. To answer your next question . . .Yes, I do like action movies. I would usually choose action over romance. Unless it's The Notebook. . .

m. If I'm going to stay in the Orlando area when I graduate, I need more friends. My closest seem to be moving away! Also, I like people and don't think one can ever know too many. :-)

n. The first thing I want to do when I get home from work (internship) is brush my teeth.

o. My mom is the strongest person I know.

p. When I think about going international, my heart beats a little faster and my palms sweat. I think I'm in love.

q. I have no desire to do any of the homework assigned to me this semester. I need an attitude adjustment! I know it'll be helpful. . .* struggling big time *

r. I don't know why I used letters. I usually just number really erratically. (Think 500 Day of Summer!) Guess I'm in a mellow mood!

s. Ann is so wise and beautiful. I am so lucky and blessed to be living here with the fam!

Well, those are my no means all my thoughts, but getting inside of someone else's mind is certainly dangerous. (I mean, just ask Hector B. Poole in the Twilight Zone's "A Penny For Your Thoughts.") So, I'll leave you with those. Have an excellent day!

Go Ahead, Read My Blog!

2010-07-07T14:28:00.004-04:00

Friend: "I read your blog."

My thoughts: "You did what? WHY? Why would you of all people read my blog? That's random."

My actual response: "Oh?"

Friend: "You told me about it the other day."

Me: "Did I?"

My thoughts: "I think I did...I kind of remember doing that...but I didn't think you'd actually read it."

Friend: "Yeah, we were talking about writing..."

Me: "Yeah, I think I remember."

-----------------------

At the end of this conversation, I felt vulnerable. Someone read my blog. I mean, I've known others who have read my blog and commented on it. But, they were either random people or close friends who I knew loved me. This was someone I had met maybe a month before. Someone to whom I told a story that I hadn't told many people before. I hardly knew this new friend, but was getting to; I already felt vulnerable. Will this friend use that information to harm me? While I don't share everything on this blog, I kind of put my heart on the line when I post.

I realized that I wasn't excited...I was frightened. I was flustered. I got choked up. I hope I didn't show it! People have blogs for a lot of reasons - to tell stories, to share fiction that they've written, to talk about various topics of interest, the news, etc. The purpose of my blog is to kind of share my heart about where I'm at in life. It's random. It may be funny. It might be sad. But it's how I feel and a little part of my heart goes out to be judged by the world. Will I be a bad writer? Will people hate what I have to say? What if this person knows too much about me? Will they take advantage of me? Do they think they know everything about me because they've read this little piece of my life?

I didn't think I'd react that way, but I think it reflects everyone's struggle (even those not fought in a virtual world), though I'll speak for myself: Acceptance. If I do X, Y & Z, will I be accepted? Will people care? What if I say something the wrong way? Will I be shunned? Will one thing change everything? What if I make a mistake? If I forget something important, will they still want me in their lives? Who will care about my mess when they have their own stuff to deal with? Will I be too much for them to handle? Regardless of what your question is, there is likely a part of you that wonders if you will be accepted, hoping that you will be enough.

See, the truth is that I am enough. I was enough before my friend decided to read my blog. I was enough when I wondered how this friend reacted to what I wrote about. I am enough when someone has to remind me of an important detail in their life that I can't believe I've forgotten. I am enough when I'm crying because I feel alone or when I'm extra-sensitive about something nobody else seems to understand. When I am weak; when I am strong. When I have the right things to say and when my mind goes blank. When I sing the wrong notes, I am enough. I am enough when I realize my life is not where I thought it would be at my age.

There's nothing that can take that away from me. 2009 wasn't my favorite year. It was kind of characterized by grief - loss of life, loss of friendships (and friendships the way they were), etc. But one thing I learned through that very rough point in my life was that I am worthy. I am worthy of love and admiration. I just have to be who God created me, a human being. I used to think I had to do everything and do it perfectly to be desired in any way. I realized that it's not what I do, but who I am that matters. I am a woman created in the very image of God.

That is enough. It's more than enough. I am enough.

Good Grief!

2010-05-06T17:32:00.006-04:00

It's a funny thing, that grief! It hits you at the most random times.

Recently it hit me when I was watching the video at Northland Church's Living Beyond Yourself study. I miss my uncle. I started to cry uncontrollably. Unexpectedly, tears streamed down my face and I felt vulnerable. It didn't matter that I was sitting in one of the back corners at a table when they started. I knew immediately that I wanted to run away. I wanted to get into my car and go for a long drive. I didn't want anybody to see me or to ask me what was wrong, because I wasn't quite sure myself.

I did know this: I miss my uncle.

You can read about him here. He passed away last August. His battle with cancer was difficult to watch. This man who made everyone laugh and feel like they were a part of his family was in pain. He couldn't do the things he used to do. It was hard for him even to pick up his children. My roommate was with us when we celebrated my birthday a little in Sarasota last May. She said she couldn't even tell he was in pain because he was so inviting. He lived his last days as a man with purpose, a man who relied on the strength of God. It was beautiful to have been there to see even a part of it, though it was painful then.

And I find myself in pain now. I've always been the emotional one of the family that not a lot of people understood. I cried for an hour in a way that I haven't in a long time. I have tended to think that makes me a weak person. I used to think that people wouldn't care about my tears because I am so emotional. But, they matter. And I can't be ashamed to say that I wish he were here. I wish that I could call him so he could make me laugh. Or he could give me some wisdom that comes only with precious experience. He can't invite strangers into his world just so he could make their day anymore. He can't give generously to the lives of others because of one simple fact: He's not here. He's. Not. Here.

That's hard for me to compute. I'll admit that I'm struggling hard right now with that fact. You never know when grief is going to hit you. If you see me and I'm crying or sad, feel free to just give me a hug.

Happy New Year! . . . and Proverbs 1

2010-01-01T10:11:00.005-05:00

Happy New Year!!

Well, it's 2010. It doesn't feel like a new year, but I woke up excited for the goals and what is to come this year.

I love the power of Twitter! I woke up and read Proverbs 1 with Cross Point Church. I heard about it through @pwilson and, though I don't go there, I've decided to join! I love corporate worship activities. And I'm happy to be able to do it. If you're interested in keeping up with everyone's thoughts on Twitter, go here!

But, to my reflection on Proverbs 1! . . . (and I look forward to the different things that God reveals to different people!)

Proverbs opens up with a little introduction about what we'll find by reading, that it's for gaining understanding, the fear of the Lord, and wisdom (basically). The next section is encouragement to embrace wisdom, to not be foolish.

The next section is what intrigued me. Here, (v. 20-33) wisdom is personified and a warning is made to not reject her. She cries out in the streets, dissatisfied that she has been rejected. In their distress, they will call to her and she will be nowhere to be found.

I was interested because isn't that just the way we are! We reject wisdom, we reject what the Lord has to say about our lives, and in our distress, we cry out for that same wisdom that we have rejected. It was made clear to me that, while the folly is problematic, ignoring wisdom in the first place is an issue, that's not the big issue here.

One fundamental thing missing is repentance. Seeking wisdom without repentance is futile. Asking for wisdom is a great thing! I support it; it's written here in the Bible for US, to improve our lives. But, we cannot truly accept the wisdom given to us if we have not repented. Our hearts must be in a place that is ready to receive it.

Okay, maybe that's not explicitly stated, right? Maybe it's implied, I don't know. But I didn't see it. It is good to seek wisdom, yes! It is not useful to seek wisdom without repentance though. Repentance is usually the step that's left out. We think that we're okay simply because we've taken someone's advice or because we've attempted to apply someone's wisdom. Repentance is a turn from the ways that we are wrong, not simply taking steps to amend what's been wrong or broken.

So, hopefully we can all learn a lesson from this story. We must not try to simply gain wisdom; we must turn from our folly. I am looking forward to the rest of Proverbs because I think it will give us some wisdom on how we can do that.

Again, HAPPY NEW YEAR! And 2010, oh yeah...BRING IT ON!

Thank You For the Lessons, 2009!!

2009-12-31T18:18:00.005-05:00

2009 wasn't really my favorite year. Most people who know me understand why. I won't go into grave detail, but here are some keywords you might see if my life was a blog: death, cancer, chemo, murder, baby, marriage, travel, spiritual conversations, stress, anxiety, counseling... Well, as you can see, not all of those are bad things.

I certainly was not expecting my uncle to pass away from cancer. God told me everything was going to be alright. I actually was almost speechless when I got the text at 5 am that he passed the night before.

I didn't really know how to feel when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. God is a healer, yes, but the ugly thing called cancer is what killed my uncle. A lot of fear steps in when thinking about that. God is VERY patient with me when I need it!

When I heard that my friend's sister was murdered (Elisabeth - from what I know of her, she was AMAZING and so sweet), I was rocked. I had never met her, no. But what I know of her sister, she's incredible. My life was shaken; how can a person trust after knowing that someone so sweet was taken advantage of and conned? Life is not pretty.

And adjusting to the fact that so many of my friends got married this year...whew. It's totally an adjustment!! I am happy for all of them, but, wow.

This year is like a rainbow . . . I hope you're not too lost by that statement! In order to get a rainbow, a storm must pass through. One of the most beautiful things the human eye can see only comes through a rough period. It's a mixture of the remnants of the storm (the rain droplets, the mist) and the sun shining through. There is beauty when we get through the storms in our life; beauty that we can only see when we open our eyes. And boy, is there beauty in the storm that has been my life this year!

When I first thought about 2009, I hated my thoughts. Well, I hated the year. The first half was okay. The second half was jarring. But then I listened to a podcast that had only people's testimonies. Different people, for a half hour, shared stories of how God has been faithful to them. And that changed my perspective. I realized how much I have to be thankful for!

* Laura and Andy's wedding - watching how God brought them together was really an honor for me to watch and be a part of!

* Sara-Marie and Joshua's wedding - it was fantastic being with them. I really bonded with Stephanie Hupp (hey BFFL!)
* Liz and Mark's wedding - I'm proud of them for waiting until they could honor God appropriately. Liz is an amazing woman and Mark is a great man. Together they'll be an unstoppable husband and wife.
* Juice and Katie's wedding - I got to see a great man get married to a woman who I hear is as wonderful. I also got to hang out with my old youth group friends, which was AWESOME!
* Hanging out with my old friend Ben - I LOVED talking to him after Juice's wedding. It was encouraging to see how he has changed over the past 6 years that we haven't necessarily been in contact with one another.
* Steve and Ashley's wedding - I got to go to the reception and catch up with people there. Most of the people were older when I was a freshman, so I don't see them very often. It was worth driving two hours to be able to celebrate with them.
* Hanging out with Eric after Laura's wedding, on the 4th of July (with Jenny), and after Christmas in Midland
* Being up at the cabin for Independence Day - one morning, me and Jenny sat in front of the sun rising over the lake and sang songs to the Lord
* Getting closer to the girls in my graduate program and the CAC group generally
* Watching my roommate see value in herself and move on from a painful and hurtful relationship.
* Kim got to travel around the world. God was there. Though I missed her, I am so proud of how she has let the Lord really take care of her heart and change her perspective. I've seen so much growth!
* I have a job that pays for my tuition (all I have to pay is fees). That's great! It's nice to not have to completely stress out over finances in that way...at least right now.
* I bought a car! Totally awesome! Little Stacey Elisabeth.
* I got to serve people in their weddings. I mean, not a lot of people can say that they've been in a wedding. But I was in two just this year. That rocks, completely. There's nothing like being in the wedding party! And the fact that I could fly up to go to so many weddings - I am blessed beyond belief!
* I got to be at Craig's graduation. That was pretty excellent. My geek crush, the inventor of Google, AKA "the Google Guy", was the speaker. Um...soul mate! hehe. Not really, but we all know how much I love Google. I was in geek heaven!
* I joined Summit Waterford's multi-site. I am soooo pumped about it!
* I got to go to more shows than usual - RENT, the Color Purple, Chris Tomlin, Brandon Heath, Aaron Shust, Chris Sligh, Francesca Battistelli, a fashion show in Winter park, the Chocolate Nutcracker. It's been really exciting to be able to get back into those things.
*NiceSERVE with Summit was really amazing. Got to cut down some trees and do some physical labor. Very exciting. I really enjoyed it!
* I got a passport! Now I can go out of the country (legally, too!)!
* I got to observe school counselors in a high school. It was great to really jump back into high schools and see and understand the opportunities that kids have these days. Which are a lot...for sure.
* I spent some good time at the pool in Longboat Key in Sarasota. It gave me a different way to connect with God - laying on my back, floating in the pool. I pretty much loved my time there...even though taking care of little kids (even cousins) is not always the easiest thing.

* I have gone to counseling and been able to figure out where some of my views of God come from. With that, I've been able to replace them with Truth and know Him more.

* And the biggest thing I am thankful for?? The lessons learned. I have learned that I can make it. I will make it. Through heartache and strife. Through grief and pain. When things aren't pretty, God never leaves. And He cares more for me than I have imagined.

That lesson carries me into 2010 with hope. There may be more ugliness in the world (and the Bible says more is to come) but I can handle it. I can make it. So, goodbye to 2009 and hello 2010! I say hello, nervous and excited for what may come, but knowing that God will be with me and guide me through it.

Alright, I'm off to go and ring in the new year at church. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Testimonies of 2009

2009-12-27T11:05:00.003-05:00

2009 is quickly coming to an end. If your year was anything like mine, it wasn't necessarily cosy or pretty. But even in the muck and the disorder, God has done great things! And that's what I want to hear about. I want to hear about what Christ has done this year. So, if you have any story of God's faithfulness, of how God used hardship to shape you, etc. please post it in the comments. I look forward to hearing from you!

Thanks!

Look out for my 2009 in review blog. It'll be posted in the next few days and I look forward to it.

Another Wedding Done and a Beautiful Marriage Begun

2009-07-12T23:41:00.004-04:00

I really enjoy weddings. I suppose that's a good thing because there are a ton this year! God said 2009 would be a year of celebrations and that's proving itself to be true. So many weddings and so many pregnancies. It's a great time.

This weekend, my friend Justin got married. When I was in youth group, he was a leader. One of my highlights was when my best friend's brother-in-law Ken said, "Juice?" (what we call Justin). Justin said, "What's up?" And Ken said, "Nothing, I just wanted to say it because I didn't know if it would be awkward to say that after you're married." I cracked up. But, the wedding was so beautiful. It was at Burgh Historical Park in Southfield. The weather was beautiful. The park was beautiful (there was even a garden) and God brought Justin and Katie together to become one. I met Katie for the first time and she seems like the sweetest person in the world. The love that she clearly has for Justin and for her cute daughter Katie was very evident throughout the night.

The reception was great. It was the first time that so many people from my youth group had been together in 3 years. We tried to plan a reunion but those fell through. I loved seeing Jonny, being with Walter and Andrew (Ken, hehe) and my best friend Leah and her hubby Mark. Holding Heather and Josh's new baby and seeing the Nelson babies, too! I got to catch up with everyone and me and Ben stayed out at Ram's Horn until like 3 in the morning...just like the good ol' days! I blogged a while back about how all of the different weddings have a special appeal. The appeal of this one was the fact that I've known a lot of the people I was with since high school. They're some of my oldest friends and knew me when I was ... strange and hormonal. haha. Some would argue that not much has changed, but who's not at least a little bit weird in high school? haha. It's amazing to see how everyone has changed and how some things will never change.

Oh yeah...It seems to be my new habit to have awesome spiritual conversations after amazing weddings where I break a sweat on the dance floor all night.

Congratulations to Juice and Katie Ellis. May your days together be filled with love and and deeper understanding of marriage God's way!

Healer, Heal Me

2009-07-12T22:01:00.004-04:00

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in May. When I heard the news, I was frustrated. Cancer is an ugly thing that I always feared. It seemed like a juggernaut to me. Something unstoppable. And the fact that my mom lost her leg 10 years ago and might have to lose her breast to this ugly thing...I hated that.

I prayed about it and felt nothing but distance. God felt cold to me. Not like He was hiding Himself, but that He was just...far. I never felt like He didn't love me, but He just didn't seem close at all. I don't know if I didn't believe Him to really be a healer or if I was just angry that my mom was in a position like this.

BUT God, today, showed me that He truly is a healer and He cares deeply for me.

I woke up this morning and was trying to get the shirt I wanted to wear dry before me and mom headed out to church. I suddenly got the worst pain in my stomach. It hurt to sit, to stand, to breathe, to lay down. I went to the bathroom and that provided no relief. I let some gas go and that did nothing. I laid on my bed in agony and yelled for my mom who was in her room getting ready. I told her what was up and she started rubbing my stomach. She rubbed a part of my stomach that was very tender and I asked her to stop (or maybe yelled at her). She went away (I think to get oil) and then put her hands on my stomach and prayed for me.

As she called the sickness out and the pain away, I immediately felt the pain leave my stomach. A few seconds before, I cried because it was so terrible. And the Lord showed me that He is a Healer. God showed me that He cared deeply for my healing. And I have the chance to know God as my Healer. I have the chance to know God as THE Healer. He is the ultimate. Nothing I could do at that moment was helping me. But, calling on the name of the Lord and receiving the healing that Christ came to deliver was amazing.

I can speak not simply out of faith, but out of experience: You Are a God Who Heals!

"Lord, I Give This To You"

2009-07-11T01:09:00.003-04:00

Surrender is such an interesting thing. It is one of the most important things that a Christian can do - laying down our lives before Christ. When we do this, we can truly experience the freedom that comes from a relationship with the Lord. We can be open to receiving His blessings and to seeing His promises for us, that we find in the Word, fulfilled. It's great! I am all for it!

But, I think sometimes we miss the mark in our so-called "surrender." As I sat in church, God was dealing with my heart about an issue that I did not realize that I even had! And I prayed, "Lord, I give you my sin." That's not a bad prayer, asking the Lord to take our messy stuff. He tells us to when He asks us to cast our cares on Him, because He cares for us. It is something that He wants to do! And that is great! I sure know that I would LOVE it if Jesus could make something beautiful out of my crap, my sin.

Sometimes, I think that the "Lord, I give you my _____" prayer is not enough. We can ask God to take something from us...to take it away, to take it out of our lives, and other prayers of this kind, and He will help us however we can. God is a redeemer. But, God is not a magician and God will not force us to stay away from our own sin. Giving it to God, while great, is not enough.

A lot of the time, we are so afraid of God knowing the details of our sin. When we mess up, we run and hide from Him like He doesn't already know. Like He wasn't there with us when we did it. But, we run...we feel like God won't love us or forgive us. We feel like we need to get as far away from Him as possible because He's holy and we have just done something bad. But, the Truth is that we cannot escape from His presence. Trying to would only prove futile.

Instead, we can ask God to meet us in our sin. Once we realize that we are fallen, we can ask God to come and rest with us. In those moments when we find ourselves lower and deeper than we hoped we could get because of bad decisions, we can either start digging more or we can ask God to come and give us perspective on this point in our lives. God came to provide the broken world salvation and beauty that had been lost with the fall of man. It is important to remember that God sent Christ for us.

When we unashamedly ask God to come to where we are first, then He can give us His perspective on whatever we're struggling with. He can also show us, without shame, what He believes of us. This way, when we give Christ our issues like He asks us to, we have His perspective on our sin. But, we also are a little more certain that we can overcome it because we know that He is there no matter what. We have the Lover of our souls there to empower us. We have the Holy Spirit to guide us. When we lay our burdens and our sin on the Lord, we will be much more prepared to actually deal with it. Our sin is not like a trash can that's full - you cannot just take it out when it gets stinky and that takes care of the issue. It takes constant work. And we don't have to do it alone. We can do it with God instead of apart from Him.

In This Recession, Who Can Afford to Be In Bad Shape?!

2009-06-30T13:51:00.002-04:00

I felt my heart pump really hard the other day when I was doing nothing. It's really disturbing when that happens. I am completely comfortable with my body...until it does weird stuff like that. And then I realize that if I stay overweight, I have more of a chance of having so many health issues, it's not even funny. And in this recession, who can afford to pay for issues that could have been prevented by eating better and exercising?

I eat pretty well, so that is something I'm not going to focus on. So I've been quietly looking into 5Ks, when I proposed the idea to my friend Carolyn. I was being hush hush because I was a coward and didn't want any added pressure from my friends (in case I flaked out). Well...when I mentioned it to her she excitedly said, "I've been trying to do that, too! Why don't we keep each other accountable!?" And I said, "Sure!" So we're starting today...training to run a 5K. I'm actually excited about it. My heart will get pumping for the right reasons!

It's great to know that I can take charge of my health. I can do something about this before it's out of control. I am very excited about it.

Always a Bridesmaid . . . Someday a Bride

2009-06-28T22:18:00.001-04:00

In the past month, I've been in two weddings: Sara-Marie Kuntz and Laura Marie Barkley. I didn't know that being in a wedding could be so much fun, for either of these celebrations. I knew that we would be celebrating God's providence in bringing these women, who were like sisters to me, with men who loved them so deeply. And I knew they would be fun . . . but I laughed harder and longer than I could have planned.

Sara-Marie's wedding party was very goofy. We all were sarcastic and had funny things to say. Basically we were silly and found jokes to make about every single thing that happened. We laughed at each other and ourselves. We tried to find a way to convince SaMa to let us go and buy white flip flops instead of the dresses because of the wet ground we'd have to go through in heels (which in the end, was hilarious and focusing on not slipping into the grass helped me not cry). We found joy in everything. Some of my favorite memories were:

When I sung one line from High School Musical and Jenn got really excited about it before she realized her zeal
Shane dumbbell curled his jelly beans
How amazingly laid back and happy it was
Me and Stephanie “stealing” mom and dad's truck to fill the balloons with helium (the ULTIMATE partner in crime)
Judy swinging the cake cutting knife in Sara-Marie's face (also, when she had a personal story to tell about almost EVERYTHING that was brought up)
Putting pots of jelly beans on the tables and dropping them (sorry, Sara-Marie and Joshua!)
Standing in the kitchen giggling about boys that were less than 5 feet away
Me stripping down to nakedness in front of the girls that morning when it was time to get ready...and dropping my pants to put lotion on my legs (I'm almost sure there's a blackmail picture of that).

That's only a few memories...but it was a very amazing time.

Laura's wedding party was a whole different kind of goofy. I walked down the aisle with Ryan, who came in on Friday with a mustache and is possibly one of the most ridiculous (in a great way) people in the world. He nearly pulled me down the aisle during the recessional. Hilarious! Travis was a schmoozer who charmed every single woman there. I believe every grandmother wanted to take him home. And the truth is: he has that something special, something you don't find every day. He has charm and makes every woman feel like a queen. I hope that he understands how amazing he is!

The Barkley family has been my 2nd family for the past six years – I've been invited into every area of their lives and I hope their hearts, for they have a spot in mine. I loved spending time with them and the post-wedding brunch was one of the most amazing ways to wrap out the wedding festivities. I loved just hanging with the family and relaxing.

When the sing-along started at the rehearsal, I knew that I was going to have an amazing time. :-) We bonded over the fun church wedding coordinator. I won't say what we called her, but will just say that she was “in charge” and did what she could to remind us of that fact. Haha. I'm just glad that she didn't yell at me when I laughed hysterically at the end of the ceremony when Laura and Andrew Ward walked down the aisle as one. hehe

After the big party, the groomsmen, me, some of Andy's friends, and Laura's cousins went to the bar. We stayed out and just chilled. It was nice to catch up and discuss what we loved about the wedding.

Every wedding party bonds over different things and makes memories to last a lifetime, and I love being able to support my friends, my sisters, and my brothers. After paying a lot of money to rent tuxes, buy dresses, get shoes, and travel – none of that matters when you actually get there and you are with the people that you love and the people that love them.

One day, I will request that my friends support me in this special way. I know that they will do it exceptionally. They will have strange stories about my idiosyncrasies and craziness (they already have a good number, so that shouldn't be too difficult). Until then, I love celebrating with the people who have my heart. Congratulations to Sara-Marie and Joshua. Congratulations to Laura and Andrew. I love you all so much. :-D

Time!

2009-06-06T16:00:00.002-04:00

Time is a very interesting thing to think about. Like Old Man River, it just keeps rolling along. I can't believe I have almost been in Orlando for a year. In some ways, it feels like I have been here forever and in others, it feels like I just got here. I can hardly believe it. In one month and one week, I will have been here 12 months. I'll have to do something special to celebrate. It's crazy to think that the memories of the last year that I spent in Ann Arbor are almost 2 years ago. I remember New Life's fall retreat like it was nothing. I bawled like a baby during the sermons and when Jon Shah announced that he would be leaving to go to OSU. God changed my heart in many ways and prepared me for where I'm at now. I am sincerely amazed by it.

So much has changed. I have moved. Kim's traveling around the world. Laura's engaged. Sara-Marie is married now. Good times. Only time will tell what will come in the rest of 2009. :-)

Sara-Marie and Joshua's Wedding

2009-06-05T22:58:00.005-04:00

I read a prophecy somewhere that said 2009 would be a year of celebrations. And, wow, knowing at least 16 couples who will be married by the end of the year, I can see how that is very true. I am very fortunate to be able to attend so many, even though many of them are in Michigan. Weddings are so special.

Last weekend, I flew up to Michigan to celebrate the marriage of Sara-Marie and Joshua, two people who I dearly love. They are both people who I can honestly say, my heart feels completely safe in their hands. I was honored to be chosen by Sara-Marie to be a bridesmaid. When she and Josh picked me up from the airport, I hugged Sara-Marie and just cried. I was so happy to see her, so happy to be a part of the union that it was obvious that God ordained.

Us girls (me, Sa-Ma, and Stephanie) had a fun time getting our nails done (and Stephanie's eyebrows waxed ;-). I can't think of the last time I laughed so much or so hard. And watching Sara-Marie was inspiring. In the midst of things needing to get done, she was one of the most adaptable people that I have ever seen. When something wasn't working out, she humbly made a decision. Instead of freaking out, if it wasn't imperative to have, it was out. I loved watching her. Though there was the rush of getting things done, there wasn't a lot of the stress that I've seen. It was mostly excitement. They were both excited to unite with one another, to share a deeper bond of physicality, and to serve the Lord better together than they did alone.

I had so much fun in Ann Arbor. I got to see friends from the church I attended for five years during undergrad. I felt like ME again. I am grateful to the Lord for the opportunity to celebrate an amazing thing. :-)

Inherently Evil?

2009-04-16T13:19:00.002-04:00

I'm taking a graduate class about counseling theories right now. At the end of the class, all of the students present on their own personal theory. It's actually an amazing thing, being able to think of what we want our counseling to look like. I enjoyed the first week of presentations. A lot of the theories had to do with whether or not people were inherently good or evil. One of my friends took the position that people are inherently evil. Babies don't share unless they are taught to, etc.

I agree. Not because little kids don't share, but because the Bible talks about how we are born into sin, with a nature that tends toward sin. Our heart isn't good. But, I am grateful that is not the end!

Saying that people are inherently evil somehow sounds hopeless. What can we do if we are born evil? Any work that we do to become better will be squelched immediately by that fact. What hope is there if that's true?

What I don't mind about saying that people aren't inherently good is the fact that God redeems us. We are sinners, but not without hope. That is good news. We can let God in our hearts, changing our hearts. It's a good thing.

The New Me!

2009-04-12T00:03:00.003-04:00

I don't want this blog title to imply that I've changed a ton. I still have a huge laugh. My dimples are still deep. I still don't tolerate foolishness. I am still a person who you probably don't mad at you because when I get mad it's just never pretty.

But, I live in Florida. When you move 1,000 miles from home, that means a lot more than location. There is a different weather. There is a different culture. A different job and school. No friends in this new place. Basically everything changes.

There's no way that I could stay the same. And that is not a bad thing. I got super homesick first semester, yearning to see my family and my friends. I was sad half of the time and spent a good amount of that mourning the life that I lost when I came to Florida. Even though I knew I was in the right place, I struggled. Even though I wanted to meet people, I didn't want new friends. I hated everything that was different about UCF. I was a mess.

After I went home to Michigan for about three weeks, I came back refreshed. I was ready to jump back into school, the job, the people. I found a Bible study to join and was gung ho about getting to know them.

That trip to Michigan, while great, reminded me that I did not belong there anymore. I appreciated everyone's excitement to give me a place to stay and all of that, but nothing there was mine. As time went by, I got so excited to come back to Florida just so I could sleep in my own bed again.

This year, my perspective changed. I think that experience helped me realize that I am not who I was in Michigan. My first 6 months here, that was what I wanted. But I was reaching for something that is simply not to be.

It reminds me of the parable in Luke 5:36-39 where it mentions how you cannot put new wine into old wineskins. The new wine ends up busting the old wineskin and leaking out everywhere.

And I think that's where my problem was. I was trying to view this new experience in Florida in the context of how things were in Michigan. It just doesn't work. Like the old wineskin, I become drained and ragged. And that's not a good way to live. So, I guess we all have to see the newness for what it is - a good thing, a change. It's a beautiful thing. I find myself really looking forward to the new thing that God is doing during my time here. I don't know what to expect and that's exhilarating.

Sins and Old Friends

2009-04-10T16:50:00.004-04:00

Today, I fell into a sin that I had been trying to give up for awhile, something that has affected my life for years and years (okay, yes, I'm only 23, but still...).

To be honest . . .It felt like an old friend. Like comfort food. Like sitting by a warm fire in the middle of winter after coming from a long day outdoors. In the past it has been there when nobody else was. Sure, I've felt bad about it . . . sometimes . . . but it's always been my secret, special friend. When I feel good and when I feel bad, comfort comes through this old friend.

But, there is one thing that I do know about friendships: Not all friendships are meant to last. Even the ones that feel the best. I know from experience that some friendships that feel amazing are devastating. While they make us feel amazing sometimes, the consequences of the bad overwhelms all of the other. When you are broken down, the things that you once called good no longer make a difference. You have to move on, forget those things and see them for what they are. Sometimes it's difficult to see the bad in something that feels so good, even when the truth is staring you straight in the face. When it is obvious to everyone else that this thing is destructive, we can be so caught up that we don't even see it.

But the time comes when it's over. It cannot go on any longer. We have to let it go. And we have to let it go forever. It's rarely easy - that friend tempts us, deceiving us of the benefits of pursing the relationship again. Sometimes we fall for it and other times, it's easy to say no. But most of us realize that this old "friend" will keep knocking, wanting to be a part of our lives. But, it's important to say no even when we're lonely.

In fact, we even have to hate it. I listened to a sermon and the preacher/teacher said something profound about the Romans 7 passage that says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." Most Christians understand this passage very well, but I got new insight. This preacher said that Paul doesn't struggle with sin because he tolerates it, but because he hates it.

We need to change our perspective on our sin. It can no longer be a friend that we let in and out through the back door so no one else knows; it can no longer be something we flaunt. We have to hate it. We have eradicate it from every part of ourselves - thoughts, our feelings toward it, our memories. We have to repent. I read once that the definition of repentance is adopting God's perspective on a certain situation. I like that definition. I know that I am tired of calling what is evil, good, and what is good, evil. There has to be an end to it. That end begins now.

Goodbye old friend. You are no longer welcome in my life!

Admitting you have a problem is the first step. . .

2009-04-08T13:41:00.003-04:00

I think I'm addicted . . . to High School Musical. Not just the first one but the entire trilogy. Even though I haven't listened to any of the music for awhile, it is constantly in my head. I don't quite understand it. I will randomly find myself playing the songs in my head, mouthing the words. I liked the 1st one because it was every dream that I ever had about living my life as a musical. The 2nd one, I didn't like at first. It has less songs that I found enjoyable, but the dancing was really fantastic. High School Musical: Senior Year was definitely my favorite. I refused to pay money for it until my roommate and I saw it with the movie gift cards we won. I fell in love with it and we saw it again the next day.

I will admit, it's a bit like comfort food. A guilty pleasure. But, it's too much at this point. So, I'm giving it up for a little bit. I have asked my even more obsessed roommate to help me out. She is being very nice about it!

I'm working on it!

Whose $$ Is it Anyway?

2009-02-12T14:16:00.003-05:00

One of my favorite shows is "Whose Wedding is it Anyway?" It's a show about wedding planners and their journey through the process of dealing with brides, buying what needs to get bought, and avoiding wedding disaster generally. It's not a show like "Bridezilla," which chronicles women who are apparently normal when not planning a wedding, but are insane and overdemanding now that they are. "Whose Wedding is it Anyway" does a good job of showing what both the bride and the wedding planner go through in the process. I've always had penchant for wedding planning. The funniest thing that I see is the battle between mother (and sometimes mother-in-law to be) and the bride to be. Sometimes the mother gets in the way so much that you would think it was their own wedding.

It can be funny to watch that interaction and it makes me wonder what God thinks about our lives - especially money. If there was a show called, "Whose Money is it Anyway?" I am sure that it would bring in millions of viewers. God would have given His people, His sons and daughters, an unlimited amount of money. He would tell His babies to give 10% to His work, his business. He would ask them to be cheerful givers and to take care of widows and orphans.

On this show, though, there would always be a struggle, though. Things would rarely go smoothly. Instead of following simple directions, they would rationalize all the reasons they couldn't give 10%. They would forget that God gave them what they had. They would rely on themselves for everything instead of simply trusting the Giver. God would remind them of these facts and that He had more than they could ever imagine only if they could believe.

The people watching could see everything objectively. They would yell and scream at the TV, encouraging the kids, young and old, to just trust their Father. Some struggles would end well, some would simply end, leaving the audience frustrated.

The show would be a fairly accurate reflection of how we as Christians live our lives. And this is simply an encouragement to everyone - take the perspective of God and lay your money down to Him. He has promised that those things we sow will be reaped. It is a principle that occurs in nature. We never need to fear, even when sacrifice seems too great. God is greater, still.

Mediocrity

2009-02-11T00:42:00.000-05:00

"Go big or go home." I have no clue who said that first or, at all, where it came from. I do know that we used to say it about Michigan football all the time. Now I say it to people when they need encouragement to step outside of their comfort zones. Wherever it comes from, the lesson is the same. Mediocrity is not an option. If it is, don't start. It is pointless to do something half way. It is useless to do something without your whole heart, sans passion. I once read a quote by Martin Luther once, "Sin boldly, but love God more boldly still." Even that statement, by a great man of faith, implies that even sinning mediocrely isn't okay. Yet, we live out our lives lazy, complacent with the way things are - stuck.

When we do not live passionately, live out of all that we are, we are not truly living our lives in the fullness of who God created us to be. We must decide to never do anything half-way. It's all or nothing.

Out with the old, in with the new!

2009-01-02T18:29:00.000-05:00

Welcome 2009. We sure are happy that you're here!

2008 was certainly an interesting year. I moved to Orlando, I had a friend who moved to NYC for a job and back to MI. Two of my close friends started God-honoring romantic relationships. There were engagements galore! I got my first 4.0 since . . . well, it's been awhile. My brother moved back to MI from D.C. I am not sure I have lived to see this much change in a year. As I grow older, I'm sure I will notice it more and more. Or, at least that is my assumption. Who can tell what is to come?

But back to today. It is January 2, 2009. The new year has been rung in all over the world. Yet, this post isn't about 2009. It's about 2008. I am always one for constant reflection over the happenings of life, and I just haven't taken enough time to think about last year over the past few days.

One of my favorite shows is Starting Over. In case you haven't been fortunate enough to watch it, it is a show with women who have issues. About six at a time come to a house and meet regularly with life coaches. When I was watching it, I was able to take some ideas of things they did with the women and find some healing for the scars left from my past. Rhonda Britten, one of the life coaches, has a e-newsletter that she sends out weekly. She gave three assignments to do before we stepped into the new year. I might be a few days late, but better late than never, I press on.

Assignment Number 1:

"Please list 100 gratitudes for 2008. I don't care that you can't recall one happy moment or that you think 20 will be it tops. One hundred it must be.

One hundred moments that someone or something was in your life that made you smile, made your life easier, put a spring in your step. Some moment that worked. Maybe the security line at the airport was much easier than you anticipated. Be grateful. Or perhaps the dinner with your mom's new boyfriend wasn't horrible. Be grateful. Or your best friend forgot your birthday but she made up for it days later. Be grateful."

1. I got my graduate assistant job in Orlando at UCF.

2. I got into three out of the four graduate school programs that I applied to.

3. I got to know Adrianne, Andy and Jenny some more.

4. I made it safely from and to Orlando.

5. I got a great birthday surprise from Andrew.

6. I had the chance to hang out with Kiana, Esohe, and Alicia for the first time in years.

7. We celebrated another year of life for Daniel Grimmer.

8. Got to know Liz better and pray for her.

9. I got to share a part of my life that not many people knew about.

10. I had the chance to pray with a good friend about something deeply personal.

11. We put up decorations for Christmas in the apartment.

12. There's a plan to pay off student loans faster.

13. Started the year off worshipping God (my favorite way to spend New Year's so far in life).

14. I didn't get sick once.

15. Learned more about charter schools.

16. Got a 4.0 in my first semester of graduate school.

17. The week at home for Christmas was pleasant.

18. Went natural and saved tons of money on my hair maintenance.

19. Gained a new look with my nose ring (which didn't get infected at all).

20. Found a new-old favorite snack that's healthy (ants on a log - celery, peanut butter, raisins).

21. When I went to the airport on my flight (moving to Orlando), and was bawling, the people who worked at the airport were so nice and caring.

22. In Orlando, I found a friend from my home state.

23. Kim came to Charley's on my birthday to surprise me.

24. The Yada Yada Prayer Group Gets Tough Novel helped me understand and appreciate a spiritual family and their role in warfare even more.

25. America elected its first Black President in history.

26. Though I had no car, I was still able to go to church.

27. I got the chance to know a family in Orlando.

28. Mom got to visit me in Orlando twice.

29. My old laptop survived until I got the new one.

30. I got a new laptop.

31. I got to go to Sarasota and spend a day on the beach, relaxing.

32. Orlando feels like my home.

33. Got to spend time at St. Mary's Fair with Leah and Kim on Memorial Day weekend.

34. Spent time with my god-mother and her family before I moved.

35. Went to a Robin Thicke concert at House of Blues.

36. Went to Anberlin concert at House of Blues.

37. Had fun at Rising Star Karaoke Bar.

38. Burlington Coat Factory has helped me build my shoe collection for pretty cheap.

39. Frosting cookies with Kevin and Sara-Marie is fun.

40. Tentatively planned out my program of study.

41. Bonded with my new roommate over musicals.

42. My mom has sent me stuff from Florida when I've needed it.

43. My going away party was amazing.

44. At my going away party, people said a lot of amazing, sweet things to me.

45. Top of the Park was a great way to connect with friends.

46. When mom's car got towed, Jess pulled some strings to help with the cost.

47. My pedicure Christmas gift was a great way to connect with AC and LB.

48. My trip with Eric and Craig to Chicago to visit Craig was a lot of fun.

49. My movie collection is growing.

50. I got to see my old Bible study leader randomly when I was visiting Ann Arbor over Christmas break.

51. G-chatting keeps my relationships with people a thousand miles away fresh.

52. High School Musicals 1, 2, and 3 helped me live out a little more my fantasy of life being a musical.

53. The Christmas GA party at our place was awesome.

54. Had some good bonding time at the movies this summer before I moved.

55. Spending time with little Cora and Jason.

56. Buffalo Wild Wings every other Thursday with Carla.

57. The roses I got for my birthday from Adrienne, Sarah, and Sarah.

58. The Dark Knight

59. The Advent Conspiracy

60. The timelessness of the the things dealt with on the Cosby Show

61. The Twilight Zone New Years Marathon

62. The pair of work shoes I got from Kelly

63. The opportunity to sing at the SDES Christmas party

64. Praise and worship and prayer with Kim and Leah in Borders and the car

65. I got to reconnect with an old friend, BJN.

66. I let go of the unhealthy aspects of my relationships.

67. None of my boxes got lost in the mail during my move.

68. Bought some clothes for my new job.

69. S-MK and JS chose to include me in their wedding.

70. My VISTA job ended on time instead of me having to find another placement.

71. God changed my perspective about a lot of things.

72. The weeks I got to spend with Blondie.

73. My laptop is an Energy Star.

74. The Love, Dating, Marriage, Sex Sermons

75. 40 Days of Prayer bringing unity

76. ULC being open and being a safe haven.

77. I am able to attend graduate school.

78. I can support Kimberly as she's away this next year.

79. Paula keeping me accountable

80. "Christmastime is Here" - Charlie Brown and "Wonderful Christmastime" - Jars of Clay [version] made me feel good

81. The art of the musical is coming back (Chicago, Sweeney Todd, Hairspray, High School Musical 3)

82. Visiting Michigan, I was more myself than I ever felt in Orlando.

83. Encouragement from the online weight-loss community SparkPeople

84. Became aware of the fact that I hold my tension in my upper back.

85. Peaceful Christmas

86. I won lotion at the NLC white elephant party.

87. God showed me that I was running to things besides Him for life.

88. TextTwist with Craig and Dan - "bias"

89. Feeling safe to be completely me

90. Supportive family.

91. The lunch Blondie and I wen to the day I left to move.

92. "Give Me Words to Speak," "The More," and "I Need You Now" helped me cry out to the Lord when I couldn't find the words.

93. The VHS player in our living room allows me to watch some of my favorite movies.

94. Celebration dinner with mom and Craig

95. Running into Alicia Slubo at the Border's in Novi one day when I was shopping.

96. Friends who aren't ashamed or scared that I'm super loud and crazy.

97. YouVersion on my phone when my Bible wasn't around.

98. Holding babies at church.

99. The difference repentance makes.

100. God holds my future in His hands.

It took me a few hours to come up with 100, not that I don't have more than enough to be thankful for, but just because I needed to process those things that were coming up in my quest for the hundred. I am glad that I did. 2008 was a great year. I am looking forward to what 2009 has in store.

God has done so much in 2008, bringing me to the point where I am now.

Happy New Year! If you are reading this, I encourage you go think of your own list. And think of what a better world this could be if we just shared our gratitude more often.

I Gotta Have Faith

2008-07-26T10:56:00.000-04:00

We learned early in the week that my Uncle had been losing a lot of blood internally. The doctors didn't know why and he had to get at least a few pints of blood before he was stable enough to get anything tested. When he did get tested, they found that he has a cancerous tumor on his colon. They say that it hasn't spread and is unusually contained in one spot. Monday the doctors are gonna map out a plan of action to deal with situation.

As I was praying this morning, I remembered the woman with the issue of blood in the Bible. She had been an outcast for a lot of her life because of her condition. As Jesus walked through town, though, she knew that if she could just touch the hem of his coat, that there was power enough in that touch to be healed.

She thirsted for his anointing, crawling under people's legs, doing whatever she needed to do to reach him before he left town. Jesus was surrounded by a large crowd of people, but when she touched him, he asked, "Who touched me?" The disciples, the people who were walking him, talking to him, asking him for his supernatural wisdom, probably cut a quick glance to each other. Peter was the only one who had the guts to say, "Hey man, the crowd is pressing against you." Jesus explained that this was more than just a touch, there was power in the touch. She came to his feet, frightened, realizing there was nowhere to go. She fell and, probably with tears in her eyes, told the people the story. Jesus response was simply, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

None of the physicians or doctors could heal her from her infirmity. She was desperate for that which gave life. It got me to thinking about living in the times that they did. They had no x-rays, EKG, none of it. They wouldn't have known cancer from Adam without opening someone up. So, was it easier or harder for them to have faith that God could heal them? I'm not really sure. Maybe. Maybe it's easier for us because we have a clear report and can pray more specifically?

In the end, I am unsure that this potential debate point even matters. The truth is that when we press through the crowds (the people who have told us we're not good enough or have hurt us intentionally or not, the whisper of Satan that only spews lies to destroy us, our thoughts that would have us compare ourselves with everyone else) and touch Jesus, we receive our healing. We receive physical healing, emotional healing, healing from the false mindsets we've held onto for some reason or another. When was the last time we were really desperate to push through and touch God?

Go Away

2008-07-25T13:53:00.000-04:00

Before I moved from Michigan, I was telling someone how my friends were going to throw me a "go away" party. Once we realized my mistake, laughter erupted. Of course my friends don't want me to go away, but they wanted to send me off nicely, so I would know that they cared. My "going away" party was amazing. So many people that I care for were there, I felt like the most special person in the world. People said sweet things and showed me love.

If they did want me to go away, they probably wouldn't have thrown me a party. They probably would have just gave me a swift kick in the pants. Thank goodness that wasn't the case! But, what do you do when you know that it's time for you to go away. Not move away, that list is a bit more concrete: pack shoes, underwear, jewelry, 8 lb. weights (if you want to hear the story, I'll tell you about it).

I don't get the feeling often, but I've recently felt like it was time for me to go away. To remove myself from the extra things and just retreat. There's no staying up until 4:30 in the morning talking to friends during a retreat like this. I deactivated my Facebook profile, turned off g-chat, and turned off my phone (sorry if you tried to call). I came to realize how much of a distraction those things were to my life. In one night, I got fed up enough to deactivate the FB! I always thought people who did things like that were seriously crazy. It's how I communicate with a lot of the people that I talk to; how could I give it up?! I'm not sure. I know I certainly didn't expect it to feel good that I don't currently feel obligated to check to see if someone posted on my wall or to see what people updated their statuses. It feels good to not constantly check my gmail to see if anyone's online to chat me up. There was freedom when I told these things to "go away."

I want everyone to know that I am okay, but right now I just need to take a break from the world. It's not personal, of course. It's just what I need to make it through right now.