Autumn, How I Miss Thee!

"Walking home from work, I inhaled the crisp Fall air and immediately a familiar smell entered my nostrils - freshly fallen Autumn leaves. The scent left my nose longing for more. I wasn't satisfied. I took another deep breath. I closed my eyes and was instantly comforted. I know it sounds silly, but there's something about that time of the year. Autumn is my favorite season. I love all the special things it brings. The weather cools to just the right temperature - you can wear flip flops and a sweatshirt for the perfect outfit; it is the perfect weather to walk arm in arm with a loved one and not overheat. There are unique joys: to twirl with my arms open under a tree as cascades of leaves fall around me like a fountain, to walk down the street chasing after crispy leaves that are being blown by a cool breeze just to crunch them under my feet, to take beautiful pictures of the transformation of the earth as it prepares for a cold winter, to enjoy the smells of a summer's past and behold the future. For most of my life, Autumn has signaled the start of the school year - a time of new beginnings and of learning.

But growing up, school wasn’t always as beautiful as the Fall. I was glad that I was smart, but being smart was not my primary desire. I wanted to be the beautiful girl who was popular, who all the boys liked, who could get all the other girls do to anything at the drop of a hat because they wanted to be like her. My childhood didn’t exactly happen like that, though. I grew up the gullible girl who people took advantage of for laughs. I found myself doing whatever I could to fit in and stay close to the people everyone thought was cool. I rejected people who felt as lonely as I did to avoid the sting of rejection they knew. During middle school I was made fun of almost every day for one thing or another – my weight, my hair, my clothes, the way that I spoke – any imperfection kids could find. I found myself feeling useless, hideous, and worthless. Suicide was an abiding thought that seemed better than whatever I was going through – better than the loneliness and the pain. Like many teenagers, I thought my life meant nothing. And it seemed there was nothing there to prove me wrong.

That is, until high school. My freshman year, I ate lunch with a girl everyday because we would otherwise both sit alone. We got to know each other pretty well and after two years of inviting me to church, I finally went with her. It was there that I met someone who changed my life – my youth pastor. He told me that I was beautiful and special and loved. He gave me hope. He affirmed my worth whenever he had the chance. This adult, who knew little about me, took the time to show me that I meant something to this world, that my life was significant, and that I was made to do something great."

These are the opening paragraphs of the essay I used to get into graduate school. It's funny that as I end my stay at UCF, I was reminded of these words I wrote. Mostly because I miss Autumn. It happens to be my favorite season (thank you very much). I'll take it over the brazen heat of Summer and the penetrating chill of Winter. Though I have grown to really enjoy living in Florida, this is one thing I miss dearly. Bonfires and hay rides and corn mazes; hot cider with powdered donuts and pumpkin carving. * sigh * There is certainly something special about that time.

Here I am, in an Autumn three years after I wrote this essay. I'm in my internship at a high school and I have an amazing opportunity to live out the love that I've been freely given. It's been given by family who, as they sought the heart of God, gave me what I needed even when I didn't desire it. It's been given freely by my old therapist, who cared about me even when I didn't believe people would love me if I didn't give them what I thought they needed. It's been given by my friends who have been there for me even when I have felt like I was too crazy to love. Ultimately, it's been given to me by a God whose name is Love. A God who created me and loves me for all of who I am, not just when I'm doing well. It is this love that draws my heart to love others. How can I not love others and give grace that was so freely given?

I don't get to experience the Fall I wrote about three years ago in its fullness where I am right now, but I am very aware of the truth in these lyrics: "All of my life, in every season You are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship!" In a place where it can be hot until December, and I always say the seasons are "hot" and "very hot," I am grateful to have experienced such differing seasons in the past. I know that no matter how long I might feel in the dark, Winter will someday end and hope comes in Spring rains. I know that even when Summer heat stretches until October, I will soon feel a cool wind and be able to chase leaves down the street joyfully. Seasons will change, but God's love is the kind that transforms people and seasons. It's the kind that will continue on forever.

Random Thoughts!!

I am alive and in good health. I am deeply loved by the Creator and Savior of the world. I'm not sure what else matters, but here's what's on my mind! Enjoy!

a. Riding home with all my windows down and sunroof open is the best way to end the day.

b. I love my internship site. My site supervisor tells a lot of stories. I love listening to people and feel honored when someone shares their life with me.

c. I'm learning students' names. I like that.

d. I think I took John, Fred, Ryan, and Robbie for granted at the House Off Rouse. I miss being able to go over there anytime and chilling. I think it's because I feel really safe with them. Sorry guys. I miss you!

e. Things haven't gone the way I hoped they would with something recently. I'm not disappointed because my hope is in Christ, not my circumstances. I'm actually even more excited because He'll do more that I can even imagine or dream of!

f. I am in dire need of Wicked the Musical. I might go for a walk with my iPod and belt the entire soundtrack. (Sorry, neighborhood!) This is if it's not too hot.

g. I also would love to watch High School Musical 3 with Kelly. I miss my bffl.

h. I am in dire need of a girls night!

i. I'd like to purchase a pair of sparkly black pumps. It's kind of a dream right now. I'm working on it.

j. The music at Summit Waterford and Summit Herndon was good yesterday. Yeah, I went to the 11 am at Waterford and the 6 pm at Herndon. I was happy!

k. I think the song "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North sounds like the Newsboys.

l. Scarface is a REALLY boring movie. To answer your next question . . .Yes, I do like action movies. I would usually choose action over romance. Unless it's The Notebook. . .

m. If I'm going to stay in the Orlando area when I graduate, I need more friends. My closest seem to be moving away! Also, I like people and don't think one can ever know too many. :-)

n. The first thing I want to do when I get home from work (internship) is brush my teeth.

o. My mom is the strongest person I know.

p. When I think about going international, my heart beats a little faster and my palms sweat. I think I'm in love.

q. I have no desire to do any of the homework assigned to me this semester. I need an attitude adjustment! I know it'll be helpful. . .* struggling big time *

r. I don't know why I used letters. I usually just number really erratically. (Think 500 Day of Summer!) Guess I'm in a mellow mood!

s. Ann is so wise and beautiful. I am so lucky and blessed to be living here with the fam!

Well, those are my no means all my thoughts, but getting inside of someone else's mind is certainly dangerous. (I mean, just ask Hector B. Poole in the Twilight Zone's "A Penny For Your Thoughts.") So, I'll leave you with those. Have an excellent day!

Go Ahead, Read My Blog!

Friend: "I read your blog."

My thoughts: "You did what? WHY? Why would you of all people read my blog? That's random."

My actual response: "Oh?"

Friend: "You told me about it the other day."

Me: "Did I?"

My thoughts: "I think I did...I kind of remember doing that...but I didn't think you'd actually read it."

Friend: "Yeah, we were talking about writing..."

Me: "Yeah, I think I remember."

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At the end of this conversation, I felt vulnerable. Someone read my blog. I mean, I've known others who have read my blog and commented on it. But, they were either random people or close friends who I knew loved me. This was someone I had met maybe a month before. Someone to whom I told a story that I hadn't told many people before. I hardly knew this new friend, but was getting to; I already felt vulnerable. Will this friend use that information to harm me? While I don't share everything on this blog, I kind of put my heart on the line when I post.

I realized that I wasn't excited...I was frightened. I was flustered. I got choked up. I hope I didn't show it! People have blogs for a lot of reasons - to tell stories, to share fiction that they've written, to talk about various topics of interest, the news, etc. The purpose of my blog is to kind of share my heart about where I'm at in life. It's random. It may be funny. It might be sad. But it's how I feel and a little part of my heart goes out to be judged by the world. Will I be a bad writer? Will people hate what I have to say? What if this person knows too much about me? Will they take advantage of me? Do they think they know everything about me because they've read this little piece of my life?

I didn't think I'd react that way, but I think it reflects everyone's struggle (even those not fought in a virtual world), though I'll speak for myself: Acceptance. If I do X, Y & Z, will I be accepted? Will people care? What if I say something the wrong way? Will I be shunned? Will one thing change everything? What if I make a mistake? If I forget something important, will they still want me in their lives? Who will care about my mess when they have their own stuff to deal with? Will I be too much for them to handle? Regardless of what your question is, there is likely a part of you that wonders if you will be accepted, hoping that you will be enough.

See, the truth is that I am enough. I was enough before my friend decided to read my blog. I was enough when I wondered how this friend reacted to what I wrote about. I am enough when someone has to remind me of an important detail in their life that I can't believe I've forgotten. I am enough when I'm crying because I feel alone or when I'm extra-sensitive about something nobody else seems to understand. When I am weak; when I am strong. When I have the right things to say and when my mind goes blank. When I sing the wrong notes, I am enough. I am enough when I realize my life is not where I thought it would be at my age.

There's nothing that can take that away from me. 2009 wasn't my favorite year. It was kind of characterized by grief - loss of life, loss of friendships (and friendships the way they were), etc. But one thing I learned through that very rough point in my life was that I am worthy. I am worthy of love and admiration. I just have to be who God created me, a human being. I used to think I had to do everything and do it perfectly to be desired in any way. I realized that it's not what I do, but who I am that matters. I am a woman created in the very image of God.

That is enough. It's more than enough. I am enough.

Good Grief!

It's a funny thing, that grief! It hits you at the most random times.

Recently it hit me when I was watching the video at Northland Church's Living Beyond Yourself study. I miss my uncle. I started to cry uncontrollably. Unexpectedly, tears streamed down my face and I felt vulnerable. It didn't matter that I was sitting in one of the back corners at a table when they started. I knew immediately that I wanted to run away. I wanted to get into my car and go for a long drive. I didn't want anybody to see me or to ask me what was wrong, because I wasn't quite sure myself.

I did know this: I miss my uncle.

You can read about him here. He passed away last August. His battle with cancer was difficult to watch. This man who made everyone laugh and feel like they were a part of his family was in pain. He couldn't do the things he used to do. It was hard for him even to pick up his children. My roommate was with us when we celebrated my birthday a little in Sarasota last May. She said she couldn't even tell he was in pain because he was so inviting. He lived his last days as a man with purpose, a man who relied on the strength of God. It was beautiful to have been there to see even a part of it, though it was painful then.

And I find myself in pain now. I've always been the emotional one of the family that not a lot of people understood. I cried for an hour in a way that I haven't in a long time. I have tended to think that makes me a weak person. I used to think that people wouldn't care about my tears because I am so emotional. But, they matter. And I can't be ashamed to say that I wish he were here. I wish that I could call him so he could make me laugh. Or he could give me some wisdom that comes only with precious experience. He can't invite strangers into his world just so he could make their day anymore. He can't give generously to the lives of others because of one simple fact: He's not here. He's. Not. Here.

That's hard for me to compute. I'll admit that I'm struggling hard right now with that fact. You never know when grief is going to hit you. If you see me and I'm crying or sad, feel free to just give me a hug.