It Sneaked Up On Me . . .

It was unexpected.

Last night, I was catching up with my friend who is moving away to do amazing ministry work overseas and he, knowing that I just moved into a little house, asked me how it was. "Oh, Freddo, I love it! It's great! But," I responded, "it would be better if . . ." My voice trailed off and I paused. "No. Actually, I'm pretty happy with it as is!" We both laughed and the conversation continued.

And I realized that contentment had snuck up on me. It wasn't something I had fought or even looked for. It was just there.

There are plenty of serious or petty things I could have filled in that blank.

Wishes:

• I had a husband to snuggle me every night.
• I had a roommate to cook for me sometimes.
• Someone volunteered to clean my house at LEAST once a week.
• I had more friends to invite over all the time.

Hurts and Fears:

• My latest relationship that just ended because he gave up and that still makes me sad.
• It's difficult to find community; I wonder if the people who are part of mine really find value in me.

It wouldn't be difficult to think of more. In that moment, it didn't matter. I lost all of my excuses to be unhappy or bitter, and I was okay.

Today, I am grateful for the small moments that make me realize that life, while crazy and unexpected, is chock-full of grace and mercy.

A Confession

I haven't written here in a long time, and when I have, it usually hasn't been about my struggles being single. Mostly because that was a bitterness held in my heart and something few needed to know. But here, now, I have a confession to make...

Marriage has been an idol for me.

The worst part about that? I didn't even realize it fully until Good Friday, 2013. Let me take that back; before Good Friday I knew that it used to be.  God did a lot of restructuring in my heart a few years ago that put me in a better place to receive love. I used to believe that if I didn't do everything perfectly, that nobody would want me around. I didn't even really like myself. In fact, it looked more like hatred. I thought I needed someone to love me and tell me that I was okay. My mind had set up a prison and I was my own prison guard. It was inconceivable that anyone could truly love me...

Thankful that God does break chains, through a series of events, He showed me how much I needed something to change. I was 24 and lived my life with fists clenched tightly. Things wouldn't go well if I wasn't in control, my pride whispered and shouted, so I took the weight of the world on my shoulders. And then everything started to go wrong. I was in graduate school full time. Things at work started to get crazy. There were cancer diagnoses and sickness and death. So much death. All things out of my control. Life started to swirl, and then I spiraled. I cried. I panicked. I cried some more. I was anxious. And then I realized that I couldn't do everything on my own...when I was contemplating taking my life, I knew it was time.

So I packed my pride up and went to counseling. (As a counselor, I acknowledge how awkward it can be to go in and tell somebody your problems.) My counselor wasn't specifically a Christian, I don't believe. He talked about God in a vague way, but His influence in my life couldn't be ignored. I was broken and built up in that small room. We laughed a lot and cried a lot. Sometimes just me and sometimes together. And God used that to break down my Superwoman complex. God used that time to speak truth in love through my counselor. And the work even between visits was amazing.

In those four months, the things I believed about God and others changed. I walked away from counseling with a confidence in myself that was true, because it came from an understanding of who God said I am. And those things are unchanging because of God's unchanging love and grace. I never have to doubt my beauty or that I am wonderfully made anymore. Praise be to God!

But what does all of that have to do with marriage being an idol? Hmm, I digress (my family is good at that)...

Because on Good Friday, 2013, I was praying in church and God said something like this: you see marriage as an idol. You think it will save you. But I already did that.

As tears started streaming down my face, I was confused. I knew that I had made marriage an idol for years, and I'm grateful for married people who were straight with me about the joys and struggles, or I'd probably think it would fix me still.

Those thoughts always came in a very subtle way.

Because even though I believed the good things that God said about me, I also believed something much less apparent to me.

I believed that eventually a man was going to come along to validate my worth. To validate means to prove the accuracy of something.

Think about that.

Who could PROVE the accuracy of what God says to be true?

God is truth and His word is true.

Another lesson I've been learning is how wonderful it is to have my value as a woman being affirmed. To affirm means to uphold as true or to support.

God confirmed the importance of knowing the difference between the two. Do you recognize the difference? It makes all the difference in the world. Your value is God-given. No father, mother, sister, brother, boyfriend, friend, or anyone can GIVE you worth...those people can only help you discover the truth.

It wasn't until I understood this truth that I was able to make healthier choices for myself - letting go of a man I had strong feelings for when he verbalized that he just wasn't that into me...deciding that a person who called themselves my "friend", but possessed no loyalty to me no longer deserved the ability to speak into my life...and learning to stand in what I knew to be true contrary to my circumstances. These aren't just one time decisions, unfortunately, and there is a constant flow of tears, sweat, and need for snuggles when I have to decide again to believe God.

Choosing to say goodbye to people whose actions and words tell me a story contradictory to the words God has sang over me in His goodness is not for the weak. It's for those who are made strong by His strength and put on His strength like a winter coat in five degree weather.

It's the reason Jesus didn't have to give in when He was tempted by Satan in the wilderness. He knew what was true about Him because He was familiar with the source of His identity - The Lord. Jesus had nothing to prove when Satan asked him to save Himself from the temptations set before Him.

And we don't have anything to prove either. Nothing. Ever. We don't have to prove that we are smart enough, beautiful enough, love able, weigh the right amount, or anything. You and I are uniquely made in the image of God - handcrafted with a deep beauty - graven on the palms of God - dearly loved - strong in our weaknesses - here for a purpose . . .

One of the greatest honors that you have on this earth is to reflect the glory of God in the short amount of days that you will be here. If you're anything like me, you will go through a process to truly understand that the people and things in your life that don't scream to the world, "You have many wonderful works left in this world to do. And I can't wait to see how God uses you," or "I am grateful that God has put you in my life because I would not be who I am without you," don't need a place of prominence in your life. If they don't agree with God...

You can love them. Pray for them. Point them to Jesus. But you can't look to them for your value. And don't believe the way (through words or deeds) they attempt to devalue who you are.

The beginning of the lesson came at the beginning of the year, but God used the last half of the year to teach me understanding. I can walk in love, victory, and peace because I know the character of God, which was, and is, and will always be. If I got a husband tomorrow, it wouldn't make me any more valuable than I am right now. My worth would not be more priceless, nor my life more precious.

God is good at removing idols from our lives and hearts, but when He gives us the chance to destroy it before He grabs onto it, it's wise to take it.

Your idol might not be marriage or the man on a white horse in shining armor coming to rescue you, but whatever is there can (and should) be put in its proper place by a right picture of who God is and what He says about you.

No person or circumstances can steal your identity in Him.

Merry Christmas

As I was in church today, I just needed to get my thoughts out and here's what came out. I really do pray that everybody had a wonderful Christmas Day! I am grateful for Jesus coming and for the hope we have in Him. Merry, merry Christmas!!

"Love.

Red.

Heart.

Blood red.

Pierced heart.

Blood stained wood.

Blood.

Running down His brow.

Brokenness.

Made complete.

His sacrifice.

Perfection.

Finished.

New righteousness.

Washing.

Blood red.

Cleansing red stains turned white.

Pure.

Cleansed.

Red.

Heart.

Made alive.

True love.

Complete.

Shalom.

Wholeness.

Blood.

Red.

Love.

No fear.

Complete love."

For All My Ladies!!! (If you're man, just walk away . . .)

Most people who know me probably know that while I'm not the most girly person you will ever meet, I love women and being a woman. They also know that I like to talk about womanly things - not just shoe shopping and weddings - our cycles, hormones, moodiness, femininity, how our daddy issues are affecting our current relationships. It probably gets old to some people, but I think we find freedom in talking about things that have affected our lives.

Today I want to focus on one that most people probably aren't running around talking about - our cycle. Before you facepalm, hear me out! I'll try not to get too graphic while sharing about two things that have changed my life!

The first is a book. One I think every woman should read. It's called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." It's not just a book for those crazy people who are all granola and hippie. It's a book to help you understand what's going on in your body. And as women, there's a lot of changes that happen over a given month. Do you know what's happening in your body? The book gives you a very direct picture of what happens. Like every book, it has its own agenda, but it's good to read it and make your own decisions. I started reading it because my cycle would last three or four months at at time. I realized that I could chart my cycle and figure out what was going wrong.

It led me to start charting. This means I take my temperature every day to see where I am in my cycle. I use My Fertility Charts to keep track of my symptoms, which means I typically know exactly where I am and what's happening next. And what they say is true: knowledge is power. While I used to be pulled to and fro by my emotions and my hormones, understanding where I'm at has changed my entire perspective.

Another benefit: I've never wanted to go on birth control. I just have never been comfortable with what I know of the different forms of it; and I'd rather not have hormones control my hormones if I don't need to. Knowing where I am in my cycle really will negate the need for that when I am married. And that makes me very happy. Plus, I don't want to go on the pill just because that's what people do. I'm not knocking other people's choice to take the pill, but I believe that knowledge is power. In today's world, it is wise to know all your options so you can make the right decisions for YOU!

Learning what is going on in your body is something that you will never regret!

The second is called the "Diva Cup." Not a book, but something equally life changing. It's a menstrual cup. It's very different than the pads and tampons that we're used to as women. And to be honest, it's so much better. It's a little silicone cup that you insert and it rests at the base of your vagina. Your flow collects in the cup, which at the end of 12 hours you dump out, rinse out, and put back in. I haven't had any problems with it leaking which makes me feel like a real person. I work out, go swimming, sit down or walk around. I doo whatever I want! I used to feel gross and like not doing anything when I was on my period before. And now I feel the freedom to be me.

Before you get too grossed out, here are some benefits:

* No leakage, which leaves you feeling clean your entire cycle

* No headaches, stomach aches, and all the other stuff that wearing tampons tends to produce

* Less waste - not having to worry about where to throw away your stuff if you can't flush thick paper waste or find a trash can (not to mention no worries about putting bleached cotton in your body)

* You just put it in and forget about it, you'll learn when it's time to reload

* Less money spent on products

* There's a community of people who are there to support you and give you tips when you have questions

Just go to the website and check it out. Read what other people have to say about it. Watch videos about it. It might sound weird, but don't just blow it off! It has changed my life.

I hope you take some time and check these things out! And feel free to ask me any questions about either thing. :-) I love talking about these things - just ask my small group from church. :-D I have much love for you and hope these things will help you walk in more freedom!